just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
