where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
