It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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