I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
