Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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