I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
NoShamevember. You game?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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