Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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