NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize