I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
