My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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