so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize