He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
