You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you will always have a special place in my vag
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
