I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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