I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
