What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize