So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
