this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
