yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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