Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
