Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
