I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
