So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
