you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
