well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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