Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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