pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
