i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
How does one acquire holy water?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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