worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
