this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
