dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
