She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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