There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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