im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
