Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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