Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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