Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
