we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
