this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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