the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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