piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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