Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I did not marry a roomba.
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