genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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