I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
