I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
