dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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