I will die if light touches me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
