if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
