So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
