Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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