He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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