hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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