Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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