He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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