Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Is Oprah even human
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
