Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
