Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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