Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Randomize
