I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
