Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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