I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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