my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
