she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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