I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Are my feet made of real feet?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
